Reflections

By Sheryl Means @sherylmeans

I am trying really really hard to de-clutter and get my home in order. I believe the state of disarray has impeded my vision for the future. So yesterday I decided that instead of politics as background noise (I really must stop listening to so much of the current events) I chose the Motown station on Pandora.

As a child of the ’60s and ’70s Motown shaped my love for soul and R&B music. Throw in classical from my days in the band and well, let’s just say my music is quite eclectic.

There is something about the Motown sound that stirs my soul. It is one of those things I think a person either gets or doesn’t get. My husband is in the later category. He thinks it is all OK, but there is no passion for this music.

As I danced and cleaned – the song that stood out to me was Reflections sung by The Supremes. I have been a huge Supremes fan my entire life. I still remember buying their Farewell album. Mom took me to Newberrys department store and I put it on lay-a-way. I felt so grown up. As I got my allowance saved up I was able to make the final payment and bring my treasure home. I still have that album.

This time, while listening to it, certain lines stood out as significant:

Through the mirror of my mind…

Reflections of the way life used to be…

Trapped in a world that’s a distorted reality…

As I peer through the windows of lost time…

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Out Of The Darkness

I have heard it said that a messy desk is the sign of a cluttered mind. I say that a cluttered mind is the result of an unclear path.

I have spent untold hours and so much mental energy trying to create a niche for myself that is completely unique and could become a business. In the late 70s I thought about parlaying my love for words and calligraphy into a lettering/logo business. I bought the supplies, practiced, and moved on. In the early to mid 80s it was crochet; I dreamed of winning a crochet design contest that would land me in a magazine, thus launching a career. By the 90s I was happily married, had a job I liked and all my energy went into these things as well as my new again religious fervor. I jumped in with both feet and even took classes at a local Bible college. Then in 2003 my granddaughter was born and my world changed forever. I had a solid relationship with God, my husband and family. I entered the absolute happiest time of life. I was full and content. My entire life was spent wanting to be a wife and a mom and now I was living that dream I had a daughter by marriage and a granddaughter I was able to care for while her mom worked. Then, I made a decision which led me down an uncharted path.

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The Way Forward

I often feel stuck. Stuck in a place, a state of mind, a routine, or a cycle of dreaming. I drown in my stuckness.

In reading through journal entries from the past year I discovered that the things I am doing now and the things I dream about, were also the things I was dreaming about a year ago. In my imagination I hop from thing to thing and never accomplish anything. That is only partly true. I am not accomplishing much. But I am surprisingly consistent in the big picture.

So if the problem is not what I am doing what is the problem? Why do I feel a sense of discontent? Why am I always searching for something that will make me happy and whole? Why am I stuck?

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